that relationship.

i usually dont post such post up and definitely gg to save this as a draft when i finish writing.

whether it will be officially up in my blog or not, shall see how.
but for now, definitely no.
its for my own keepsake.

yes, i have been thinking about my relationship with someone i have been in close contact with for the pass 7-8months.
*i always find it hard to maintain a close relation, in a sense that we contact regularly. blame it on my bad habit BUT in his case, we did, which i am glad.

BUT it was on&off.

at a moment, we could be messaging each other everyday, although our replies take longer time but the content never failed to mend it back.
its really not easy to find some one who take longer time to reply than me, but he amazingly did it so well. oh my, should i be happy or angry with it?

think of that, i was also reminded of the before-going-to-korea-smses, fb messages, late-msn chat(s), countless match of tic-tac-toe, bowling and not forgetting the awkward webcam session comparing medals and all.

i always find it hard to end a conversation, chat or webcam session cause i didnt want to.
*feel good to write here, cause i could put down my pride and all to say this.
for once, being honestly with myself here. :)


then at another moment, we could totally stopped contacting each other for days or even weeks. like a simple facebook relationship status could blow off the whole relationship of us which i thought it wasnt easy coming so far and building such a us. otherwise, we have to blame it on our "similar characters".

i once asked if he message me, he will feel lose out?
his answer turned out to be a "yes" which for me, i felt the same way as he does.

thats just because we both dont like "losing".
yes, the obvious dominant kind.

but guess what i told my friend recently, i very much dont want to believe in it too.
i told them "i dont really care about winning it already".
so-not-me but i really doesnt want to treat this as a game anymore.
or looking at another prospective, what does winning means?
it means nothing.

the word relationship here doesnt define boy-girl relationship,
i just couldnt find the right word to describe us.

like he said in one of his facebook message that he dont know what's in store for us, i totally feel it now.

cause now i am trapped in this,
i didnt know to continue maintaining this or to be back as friend.
either way, i know i will be hurt, just a matter of time.

i have a lot of doubts in him and me.

yes, the basic feeling towards me, commitment, and so on.
i never dare to ask cause if he will to ask me the same question, i know i dont have the prefect answer for him.

the only thing i know is: "he and i doesnt want commitment".

so we just leave things in this way.

& naturally, it lead me to feels that everything is so not true.

i am not used to be not-serious-in-a-relationship.

& this time round, i broke the usual rule i set for myself.
and up til now, i didnt know what i should do.

at time like this, i just hope to know how he feel for me without me asking.
if only thing was this easy.

if only.

it feel better now.

xoxo.